Helping children navigate their emotions is one of the most crucial yet challenging aspects of parenting. Kids often experience intense feelings, and when they don't feel understood or validated, those emotions can escalate. For instance, when parents respond to their child’s emotions with phrases like “It’s not a big deal” or “You’re overreacting,” the child may feel dismissed and unheard. This can lead them to intensify their behavior to gain attention, question whether their feelings are valid, or even stop sharing their emotions altogether, resulting in a breakdown of communication.
Before offering advice or guidance, it’s essential that children feel their emotions are being taken seriously. In this article, I’d like to share some effective strategies I learned from Dr. Faber and Mazlish’s work to deal with children’s feelings.
Listen Attentively
Giving your child your undivided attention when they are expressing emotions is the first step. This means putting down your phone, maintaining eye contact, and showing through body language that you are fully present.
Respond to Their Feelings with Simple Sounds or Words
When your child is expressing their emotions, sometimes the most effective response is a simple verbal acknowledgment like "oh" or "mmm." These sounds let your child know that you're listening without immediately offering advice or judgment. They can encourage your child to continue sharing, and sometimes that's all they really need—someone to listen.
"Mmm, that sounds frustrating."
"Oh, I see."
This type of acknowledgment gives children the space to work through their emotions, making them feel understood without overwhelming them with words or solutions.
Help Them Name Their Feelings
Instead of denying the feeling by saying “Don’t cry”, we need to learn to recognize the emotional state behind a child’s behavior and use phrases that reflect and name what they are feeling. Sometimes, children don’t have the vocabulary to express how they feel. You can help by offering words for their emotions. This doesn’t mean agreeing with their feelings but simply showing that you understand.
For example:
“You seem really upset about what happened at school today.”
“I can see that you’re feeling really angry right now.”
“You’re frustrated because you didn’t get to go outside today, right?”
“It seems like you’re disappointed that your friend couldn’t come over.”
Naming the feeling helps the child identify their own emotions and feel validated.
Use Imagination to Empathize
When a child’s desire can’t be fulfilled, you can use imagination to empathize with them. For example, if a child wants to go to the park but it’s raining, you could say:
“I wish I could wave a magic wand and make the rain go away!”
The word "wish" is so magical. Starting a sentence with "I wish I had/could.." can help children feel that you understand their disappointment and take their longings seriously, even if their wish can’t be granted.
Practical Examples for Real-Life Situations
Ex. 1: Tantrum Over a Broken Toy
Imagine your child is throwing a tantrum because their favorite toy broke. Instead of immediately offering to fix it or telling them it’s not worth getting upset about, try this:
Ineffective Response:
“It’s just a toy, stop crying about it.”
Empathetic Response:
“I see how much you loved that toy. It must feel really sad to see it broken.”
By acknowledging their feelings, you allow your child to process their emotions before moving on to finding a solution.
Ex. 2: Anger About Not Being Allowed More Screen Time
When your child gets angry because you won’t let them have more screen time on the device or on TV, instead of dismissing their anger, consider this:
Ineffective Response:
“You’ve already watched enough TV for today. That’s final.”
Empathetic Response:
“I understand you’re upset because you really wanted to watch more. It’s hard to stop something when you’re enjoying it.”
This approach lets the child feel heard and understood, which can help them accept the boundary you’ve set.
The Power of Validation
One of the most powerful tools in helping children manage their emotions is simply validating their feelings. You don’t have to solve their problems or revert their negative feelings immediately. Sometimes, just knowing that someone is listening and understands how they feel is enough.
When children feel heard and understood, they are more likely to calm down, feel more secure, and be open to problem-solving later. Validating their emotions also teaches children that it’s okay to have feelings, even difficult ones, and that their emotions are worthy of attention.
Helping Kids Process Emotions
By taking the time to acknowledge and validate your child’s feelings, you can help them feel understood and supported. This approach doesn’t mean letting children have their way all the time but creating an environment where their emotions are respected, and communication is open.
The strategies offer simple but effective ways to help children navigate their emotions and build stronger emotional connections with their parents. As you practice these methods, you’ll likely find that not only does your child feel more understood, but communication becomes smoother and more effective.
Interested in learning more about how the #1 toolkit Empower Empathy which can foster your child's emotional and social development? Join our workshop to explore practical parenting techniques and share experiences with other parents.
References
Faber, A., & Mazlish, E. (2012). How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. Scribner.
Barrett-Lennard, G. T. (1981). The Empathy Cycle: Refinement of a Nuclear Concept. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 28(2), 91-100.
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Author Bio
Abby S. is a native of Taiwan and graduated from National Taiwan University (NTU) with a degree in Psychology and a Master's in Clinical Psychology. After obtaining her clinical psychologist license in Taiwan, she moved to the United States with her husband. She currently resides in Cambridge, Boston.
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