In today’s world, emotional regulation is often hailed as the epitome of personal development. The ability to maintain a steady emotional state is seen as a hallmark of maturity and self-control. But what if we’ve been looking at emotional regulation through a narrow lens? What if, instead of striving for constant calmness, we embraced the moments of dysregulation as natural and beneficial parts of our emotional journey?
In reality, being dysregulated can be both useful and necessary. This may sound counterintuitive at first, especially given the pervasive cultural messages that urge us to stay composed. But here’s why occasional emotional dysregulation is not just normal but essential for our well-being:
Understanding Emotional Dysregulation: A Natural Response
Dysregulation as a Response to Real-life Situations
Emotional dysregulation refers to the times when our emotions feel out of control. This might occur when someone disrespects you, violates a boundary, or when you’re heartbroken. These situations naturally evoke strong emotional reactions because they are deeply connected to our values and experiences.
Rather than viewing these emotional spikes as failures, it’s crucial to understand them as natural responses to life's complexities. For instance, feeling angry when disrespected or sad when heartbroken shows that you are attuned to your emotions and your environment.
The Purpose of Dysregulation: Emotional Energy that Needs Expression
The Energy Behind Emotions
Emotions are essentially energy in motion. When we experience dysregulation, it signals that there is emotional energy that needs to be processed. Ignoring or suppressing these emotions can lead to emotional stagnation, which may manifest as physical or psychological symptoms.
The idea that we must always maintain calm and control is misleading. Instead, dysregulation serves a vital purpose—it allows the emotional energy to flow through and out of our bodies, facilitating healing and restoration.
The Body-Mind Connection
Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, a renowned psychiatrist and author of The Body Keeps the Score, highlights how our bodies store emotional experiences. He emphasizes the importance of moving this emotional energy to prevent it from causing harm.
Dysregulated emotions act as a cue for the body to engage in activities that help release this energy. This could be anything from screaming into a pillow to hitting a punching bag or simply going for a long walk. Engaging in these physical activities allows for a cathartic release that is necessary for returning to a state of balance.
The Role of Somatic Practices
Somatic practices focus on the body's connection to emotions and have gained significant attention for their role in emotional regulation. These practices underscore the necessity of movement and physical expression in processing emotions. Dr. Peter Levine, a pioneer in trauma therapy, introduced Somatic Experiencing, a body-awareness approach that helps individuals release traumatic energy stored in the body. This approach aligns with the idea that dysregulation is a signal to engage in movement that facilitates emotional release.
Scientific Evidence on Emotional Energy
Studies have shown that emotional dysregulation can lead to a physiological state called allostasis, where the body attempts to regain balance by adjusting its internal systems. This state is crucial for adapting to stressors and highlights the body's natural inclination to express emotions as a way to maintain homeostasis.
The Myth of Constant Calmness: The Perils of Suppression
The Consequences of Emotional Suppression
In a world that often prizes emotional stoicism, the ability to appear "always calm" is frequently mistaken for emotional intelligence. However, suppressing emotions can lead to a phenomenon known as emotional dissociation, where individuals detach from their feelings altogether.
Research has shown that emotional suppression is linked to several negative health outcomes, including increased stress, anxiety, and even physical illnesses. By denying our emotions or pressuring ourselves to be perpetually calm, we inadvertently engage in self-suppression, leading to emotional numbness and reduced emotional resilience.
A study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology explored the effects of emotional suppression and found that individuals who habitually suppress emotions have higher levels of cortisol, a stress hormone, which can contribute to various health issues over time.
Recognizing Dissociation as a False Calm
Sometimes, individuals who appear perpetually composed may be experiencing dissociation—a state where they disconnect from their emotions as a defense mechanism. Dissociation prevents genuine emotional experiences, which can hinder personal growth and emotional awareness.
Dissociation often happens to PTSD patients or people who experienced trauma when their stress responses get shut down by their bodies. Since they've experienced so much stress that their body is telling itself, "no more cortisol for you" because too much cortisol in the bodies are bad and detrimental to the body. So people have blunted or absent cortisol response to stress because their bodies don't allow them to release any more since it's been chronically being released. This would lead to dysregulated responses from immune systems and emotional responses, which is highly likely related to anxiety and depression.
Dr. Stephen Porges, creator of the Polyvagal Theory, emphasizes the significance of understanding the nervous system's role in emotional responses. He suggests that appearing calm is not always indicative of emotional regulation; instead, it may signify a "freeze state," where individuals feel emotionally numb. This false calmness is a sign of underlying dysregulation, as emotions remain unprocessed and bottled up.
Embracing Dysregulation: The Path to Authentic Emotional Health
Healthy Dysregulation: Experiencing and Releasing Emotions
True emotional regulation involves the ability to express and recover from emotions rather than avoiding or suppressing them. It is about finding a balance between experiencing emotional highs and lows and understanding that these fluctuations are part of being human.
Experiencing Rage and Sadness: Allowing yourself to feel anger or sadness is a healthy acknowledgment of your emotional landscape. It's not about dwelling in these emotions but about giving them space to exist and release.
Releasing Emotional Energy: Engaging in activities that help process and release emotions is essential for returning to a parasympathetic state—a state of rest and relaxation. This includes crying, physical exercise, creative expression, and seeking support from others.
Building Emotional Resilience
Embracing dysregulation also means building emotional resilience—the ability to navigate emotional waves and recover from them. By recognizing and honoring our emotions, we develop a deeper understanding of ourselves and our emotional needs.
Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in self-compassion, emphasizes the importance of self-compassion in building emotional resilience. By treating ourselves with kindness and understanding during moments of dysregulation, we foster a healthier relationship with our emotions.
Rethinking Emotional Regulation
In conclusion, emotional dysregulation is not something to be feared or suppressed. It is a natural and necessary part of our emotional journey, signaling that our emotions need attention and expression. Rather than striving for constant calmness, we should embrace the ebb and flow of our emotions, recognizing that dysregulation is a sign of emotional vitality.
By allowing ourselves to experience, express, and release emotions, we cultivate a more authentic and balanced emotional life. This approach not only enhances our emotional well-being but also strengthens our capacity for empathy, resilience, and self-awareness.
The next time you find yourself feeling emotionally dysregulated, remember that it’s not a sign of weakness or failure. It’s a testament to your emotional connection and an opportunity for growth and healing. Embrace your emotions, allow them to move through you, and trust in the process of emotional regulation.
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